I am back, baby!

I will write in English or german, depending on the mood or who i want to reach with my post. 

I am back, baby! 
This means: I wanted to write on this blog for so long, but didn´t. I didn´t, because I 
didn´t have the time or the inspiration or this or that. In fact, the only thing I didn´t have, was the courage and the self-esteem to think, that what I was thinking mattered or interested anyone. But I think that if other people´s blogs and activist work touches me and changes my life so much, maybe someone else´s life is touched by my words too!? I don´t know. Maybe this is narcissistic. Even if it is, maybe I owe it to my sweet little inner child to give her* all the room she* wants. I want to celebrate my life, I want to live it to the fullest, I want to own my body, my feelings, my decisions. A big aspect in my life always was "I want". This has two reasons - this might get long, so stay concetrated. It will end eventually. One was simply substancial, I lacked in a lot of basic security and at times also food. The other was the destructive way, some people close or important to me, reacted to me. I was a very present child, very passionate, friendly, loving, agile, with a very healthy self-esteem. I loved my body and I loved what my body could do. I was lucky to be raised by parents who let me express myself and also to let me feel love towards my body. I was allowed to climb trees, paint with my hands, dress up and go out with the craziest outfits, sing out loud in the garden, say "no" if someone wanted to kiss or hug me. And also: i was allowed to touch myself. I learned in my adult life, that being "allowed" to masturbate as a child is a very big issue and often a taboo. So I feel lucky that I had this basis of self-love. Those weren´t the people who took my self-esteem. They just couldn´t make resistance with or for me. People started to say I should eat less when I was eating. They blamed the mother or grandmother that they weren´t disciplined enough with me. I am very muscular - since I can remember. I was always like that. Never thin - like my cousins where you could see their bones - but muscular, with average weight. Always in comparison with those skinny kids and on the search for my bones to stick out, I realized that my body was not right the way it was. It should be thinner. I didn´t see the strength in my beautiful muscular body who climbed up the trees and mountains, could do the craziest gymnastics, could run and swim for hours. Maybe I felt that my parents lacked in self-love and what it could do to themselves and others. Maybe this was really the reason why I couldn´t make resistance to those people who offended my body. Sometimes I wish to got back in time and show my little self how wonderful and perfect she is. 
I can´t. So I try over and over again to regain my self-love, to accept my body the way it is now and to see the history behind it. 
I won´t tell you, I love my body. Because it is a day-to-day challenge to do so. Sometimes I actually do love my body, especially when I had a lot of bodily exercise through sex or sports and when I feel every fiber, my heart racing, my lungs expanding and my skin tingeling. But very often I don´t love my body, I don´t even accept it. I often think "I want to be ...." or "I would love to have the money, to make me look like my perfect self". And then I stop and think of the young self, who thought nearly the same way, being not able to see the beauty and the power of her* body. So I stop and hope that one day, I can totally love my body again.
I am back, because I overcame my fear of running. I love to do powerwalks or go for a run. It makes me feel alive. And for years I had the impulse to go running again. But: how would people look if they saw me? What if I had to stop after 40 seconds because my cardiovascular system isn´t used anymore to do cardiowork? And people say that you damage your joints if you run as a heavy weightily person. And today I had the impulse again. I thought, fuck no! I try it. And I did. I went for a run. I ran for 30 or 40 seconds, then took a powerwalk for 3 minutes and continued like this for half an hour. In the end I sat down in a park, let the sun shine in my proud face and think about my next run. Maybe I´m becoming an early bird. Because to be honest: it was extremely uncomfortable. The people watching or trying not to watch, me running through the city streets of Vienna with my jiggling fat body covered in a black-white striped leggings. I don´t want to know what they where thinking. Either way I thought there is no way to make others happy. If you are fat you should do sport, if you do sport you look hilarious/disgusting/absurd or whatever. So either way, you can´t suit others. So I stop to try. Today I felt alive again, with my whole fat  body. And I owned it and it´s joy of movement - not only in my privacy, but also in public.

It´s great to be back! 

Queer Fat Feminist Sara Sequoia